Navigating a Difficult Binary (not 1s and 0s)
Professional success versus personal fulfillment. This perceived binary serves as an obstacle many women face and unfortunately cannot avoid. You might have thought about it before and if you identify as a woman I’m almost entirely sure it has crossed your mind. The main point is it doesn’t have to be one or the other, you can and should have both professional success and personal fulfillment.
Lately my favorite book genre has been memoirs. Over the past summer I read Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” and then Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead”. If you are interested in how two influential women navigated work life balance I highly suggest them both. For a quicker introduction with great explanations, I suggest Sandberg’s 14 minute TED talk (because who doesn’t love TED talks). It’s from 2010 but, in my opinion, everything she says is still extremely relevant. Seriously, even if you stop reading now, go watch the video–you won’t regret it.
In both the novel and TED talk, Sandberg talks about “leaning in” and getting yourself a spot at the table. She mentions that all too often women will join a meeting but sit in chairs on the outskirts of the room even when there is space at the big conference table, not even giving themselves the chance to give input. In male dominated fields, especially like CS, women frequently feel out of place and uncomfortable with their job, classes, clubs, etc. Some women might even leave the workforce and choose family/raising children as their job instead. Some might choose to never have kids and focus on work. Some balance both. All are good choices if it makes you your happiest self.
On a different note, for women who do wish to pursue successful professional careers, many problems we face are rooted in systemic ways of thinking. Sandberg mentions that “women systematically tend to underestimate their own abilities” and I definitely know I have experienced this before in classes. I frequently feel like incredibly smart girls I know are consistently convinced they failed an exam when in reality they did above average. Young women might not negotiate job offers because they think they are being paid what they deserve but young men negotiate because they think they deserve more. Young women attribute their success to “working hard”, “luck”, and “help from someone else”, where guys might attribute their success to them being “awesome at what they do”. Here, we see the binary where women are encouraged to fulfill their personal lives first because they think they need to “work harder” in the professional field, making them better fit to stay at home, and falsely believing men are better at professional work. This is ingrained in our thinking and I’m definitely a victim of it too.
So how can we combat this in a field where men are the majority and why does this matter? Some things Sandberg suggests that I love are:
“sit at the table”
Put yourself in a position where you can reach for opportunities and have your voice heard. Most men are not purposely excluding women—they don’t even realize they are doing it—but when it happens, it’s not wrong to speak up and advocate for yourself. Try to make friendships with a variety of people in your classes so you feel more accepted! Believe that this degree you’re getting is important to you and whatever obstacles you face are worth it.
“don’t leave before you leave”
Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the future and what you want in your personal life 10 years from now. Apply to challenging jobs you enjoy and don’t back down from new projects or promotions that you deserve just because you feel obligated to follow gender norms.
Do what you want! If that is a position as a leader in a big company, go for it! If it’s a startup, go for it! If it’s nothing related to tech whatsoever and you want it, then there is no reason you can’t get it. I hope this serves as motivation to keep going and that you all know you’re supported!
Jennifer Weir